Da Vinci Code: Conspiracy to Make Bad Film Revealed

Conspiracy theories are a fascinating thing to watch; properly under the heading of “extraordinary popular delusions and the madness of crowds.” For madness, while rare in individuals, is more or less the norm in groups.

For “conspiracy theory,” read mass paranoia. Yes, there are real conspiracies: the Mafia, say, or Hell’s Angels. But they lack that magic spark, that nous, that paranoia, properly so-called, that the conspiracy theory involves. For a good conspiracy theory ends up explaining everything.

UFOs are a conspiracy theory. Perhaps the most famous, and destructive, in history has been the imaginary conspiracy of International Jewry. The witch hunts of Salem and elsewhere were conspiracy theories; so was Joe McCarthy’s communist infiltration, commonly called by the same name. Ironically, so is Communism itself, which imagines a conspiracy by the capitalist class.

Conspiracy theories are very tempting, first, because they give the world meaning, something that is a basic human need. Second, because they give people a scapegoat, all guilt safely assigned to some Other.

And best—or worst—of all, by their nature, conspiracy theories are impossible to disprove. Because it is impossible to prove a negative. If there is no evidence, that only shows how very pervasive and clever the conspiracy really is. You just can’t win.

But really, a bit of hard-headed reasoning soon shows that such conspiracies are wildly improbable. People just aren’t clever enough to keep elaborate secrets in large groups, with nobody ever spilling the beans. The real-world examples we have mentioned, the Mafia and Hell’s Angels, are conspicuous for being very poorly kept secrets. That is what happens with conspiracies in the real world.

Nevertheless, there are always conspiracy theories circulating; arguably, the solidarity of social groups generally requires them. Marxism continues to thrive, not just on college campuses, but with the left generally. Feminism, with its imaginary conspiracy of men against women, is alive and well.

Conspiracy theories can come to an end, though some, like Marxism and anti-Semitism, are incredibly durable. The JFK assassination conspiracy, for example, is much less virulent than it once was. In part, this may be because JFK, with time receding, matters less and less. But in part, it seems to me to have had something to do with Oliver Stone’s movie, JFK. Stone’s (and Jim Garrison’s) claims were so visibly over the top when laid out in full public view that it somehow made the whole idea that there was a conspiracy to assassinate JFK gradually seem disreputable. The same might be said of Hitler’s excesses regarding world Jewry: once photos of the concentration camps were seen.

And there are signs—hopeful signs—that the new movie The Da Vinci Code will do the same for the International Catholic Conspiracy. Another rather hoary conspiracy theory, which has been given new life recently, up to and including a witch hunt against Catholic priests in Canada and the US on the popular premise that they are broadly guilty of pedophilia and child abuse.

The Da Vinci Code, a mediocre book, has risen to unprecedented fame by exploiting the zeitgeist’s determination to see a vast Catholic conspiracy. This is the way of such conspiracy theories: catch the wave before its crest, and it can propel you to fame and fortune; for hysteria is highly contagious. Joe McCarthy rode his red-baiting from obscurity to fame similarly.

But it is so overblown that, in movie form, it is liable to create a backlash—just as television was in the end too much exposure for McCarthy, and movies too much exposure for the Kennedy assassination. It seems the movie version is running into bad reviews. At Cannes, by the end, I hear, audiences here hooting derisively at the screen. The BBC’s reviewer has pronounced it “long and dull.” “Certainly not fun” – the Boston Herald. “Too much guilt. Not enough pleasure”- Hollywood Reporter. “Plodding” – Screen International. “A stodgy, grim thing” – Variety.

Forgive the pun, but for once, I might be happy to have caught a bad Code.